In many of the inquiries we get from parents, beneath the actual question they are asking is an underlying question or concern: “Is it normal to worry so much about my son or daughter?” Asked another way—“Do other parents worry about their college kids as much as I worry about mine?” I'll try to respond both as a university representative but also as a parent myself with two sons of my own in college, one a freshman and one a sophomore.
The short answer to both questions is yes. It is common for parents to worry about their college-aged students who are off on their own, perhaps for the first time. And the number of things you can find yourself worrying about as you lie awake in your suddenly and eerily quiet house is endless. Are they making friends? Are they socializing too much? Are they eating well? Getting enough sleep? Are they studying enough? Are they studying too much? Well, maybe not that last one… but you get the point. Basically, you worry about the choices they are making and the long term consequences of those choices. And the reason you worry is because you want more than anything in the world for them to be successful in this adventure—to find their passion, to grow into themselves, to develop deep rich friendships, and to make the absolute most of these four or five (rather expensive) years of their lives. So if you find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about your son or daughter, take some solace in knowing that you're not alone.
When I find myself worrying about the choices my sons may be making, it helps me to remember that at this point in my life, I have the benefit of hindsight. I certainly made some mistakes and I can look back now and see how much I learned from those experiences. Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that we have to give our young adult children the same space and opportunity to make decisions, discover the consequences, reflect a bit, get up, dust themselves off, and move on to the next challenge. As much as you wish you could, you can't always substitute your advice for their experience-- They just won't let you. The maddening thing is, both your advice and their experience are likely going to lead them to the same conclusion, and the advice route would save them some pain..... But as someone once pointed out: "Success comes from good judgment. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience often comes from bad judgment."
It’s in those moments when we are worrying about our young adult sons or daughters that we find ourselves confronting the next set of questions: “ Just how involved should I get in their personal or academic life, and when should I really step in?” There are no single right answers to these questions. It depends on a lot of things, including how openly and frequently you communicate, how much autonomy you are comfortable with giving, who's paying the bills, and if it’s you, how much you want to leverage that…. The best time to get involved in your freshman son or daughter’s college life is when they invite you to, but absent that, I think mid-term is a very good time to ask some friendly questions about grades on tests and papers so far, what kind of classes s/he is considering for spring term, his/her perception of effort relative to performance, what s/he is planning to do the same or differently for the next five weeks, etc These are all really good, non-judgmental conversation-starters.
The good news is that if your son or daughter’s experience is typical, they probably really love college by now, they are finding a sense of community here, and they probably haven’t made any mistake yet that can't still be fixed this semester. Rejoice in that, and stop worrying so much! But even as I say that, I’ll make this offer; If you find yourself lying awake at 3 in the morning worrying about your college-aged son or daughter, give me a call. I’ll probably be up too….
Mike Stearney
stearnem@uwgb.edu
Assistant Dean, Dean of Students Office
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